Bigfoot

If Bigfoot is out there he has problems. He’s anti-social, bi-polar, and has borderline personality disorder and body odor. Either that, or he’s just one really strange dude in a hair suit. Either way, he’s really fun.

Bigfoot (or Sasquatch) and his Asian cousins in the Yeti genus had a falling out a millennia or so ago when Bigfoot (who grew up in the Himalayas) decided to give up snow and move his brood somewhere warmer. After all, he was the dark sheep of the family and stood out like a sore thumb against the snow which made sneaking off to go to the loo particularly difficult and violated his sense of privacy.

Since Florida was full of alligators and old people who might have a coronary if they saw him, the North West seemed good since the berries are better and it has more of a ‘long hair hippy feel’. (The Yeti family still sends an occasional birthday card but they don’t really talk anymore.)

Since taking up residence out in the woods there have been numerous sightings of Bigfoot and his ilk and not all of them were under the influence of LSD. Bigfoot sightings generally peg him at between 7 and 15ft high and walking on two legs (bi-pedal) and looking as if he’s lost something. Some also report an extremely strong, unpleasant odor but wild berries are gassy so we won’t hold that against the big guy.

In some accounts, the animal makes strange grunting, gurgling or howling noises. These noises can not possibly be a bear because in approximately 20% of cases, Bigfoot is seen with a ukulele singing Don Ho’s song ‘Tiny Bubbles’ which a bear can not possibly do. (Bigfoot loves the island life.)

Eyewitnesses often describe Bigfoot as being wary of humans but highly curious about our activities, especially driving. Bigfoot put in the very first order for a Hummer (Even before Arnold Schwartzenegger) but his check bounced and he’s been foot-bound since.

In the folklore of many Native American tribes, as well as the indigenous people of the Himalayas, the animal is said to be a peaceful, supernatural creature with intelligence and spiritual powers which isn’t surprising since Bigfoot can squish pretty much anything he’d like to which brings peoples spirituality right to the fore front whenever he’s around.

There are only two know instances where Bigfoot has been caught on film. The first was the 1967 film shot by Roger Patterson in Bluff Creek, California, where Bigfoot is seen walking from left to right and looking back at the camera. What hasn’t been know about that footage until now was that it was actually a screen test from which Bigfoot landed his only Hollywood appearance as himself in Harry and the Hendersons. (I thought he did really well for a first time actor.)

Of course it’s not all fun and games being Bigfoot. Since Bigfoot is not technically human, he got screwed out of his royalties for the movie and since he’s technically a ‘myth’, the Sierra Club won’t return his phone calls. He’s been hoping for Spotted Owl status but so far no luck. His last hope for a real job so he can finally get that Hummer is as an airport security screener for the Department of Homeland Security.

He does have an application in.

Additional:

Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization

Bigfoot Fact or Fantasy?

Texas Bigfoot Research Center